12 week challenge, Suicide Prevention, WeAreAllALittleCrazy

Delayed Post from Sunday, April 10 (writing this April 15)

(TODAY IS APRIL 15th – I am fine.  Thanks Rebecca and Stephanie for being available last weekend.)

My 12 week challenge ends tomorrow.  I will continue with new goals, but as far as the challenge goes, that part ends tomorrow.  Today is Sunday, April 10.

I am writing this today because I think if I wait to write it, it may not get written.  My trainer asked me how bad I wanted to win.  I said, I thought we should at least try to win – give it our all.  He said, we could taper down on the number of carbs during the 12th week to lose more weight.  BUT if I did that I would need to slowly introduce them again after the taper.  I was all for it.

On Monday, my goal was 150 carbs, on Tuesday 120, on Wednesday 100, on Thursday 80, on Friday 60 and on Saturday 40.  Today was only 1/2 white potato at breakfast.  Now when I say carbs here, it’s carbs like brown rice, oatmeal, fruit, breading on chicken.  There were other things I ate that had carbs like avocado, protein drink w/1 tsp honey.

Immediately on Tuesday morning I could tell the difference.  I told my workout partner that I thought I was going to take a break at working out after the challenge because this was no fun.  I had never thought that before.   I was totally unmotivated.  I asked our trainer that morning if tapering your carbs could make you feel that way.  He said “Absolutely.”  I was actually better after that.  I mean we had been taught from a young age how to control our thinking.  So now I had to tell my mind that what I was feeling was not the real truth.

Well it got worse and worse every day.  Saturday and Sunday I kept myself away from other people because I was having so many negative thoughts.  I took some “after” photos and I thought they looked awful and that there was no way I was going to win.  Why did I try so hard and only make this much progress.  I was angry, mad, sad, depressed.  It was horrible!  I sat at my desk on Sunday and listened to Gospel songs as I worked – just to force the Word into my head.  I texted my friend, and two of my nieces and then I read their responses throughout the day to stay positive.

I have to tell you that I have an entirely new understanding of those who suffer with mental illness.  It’s like your body/mind is telling you and making you feel one way, but you know that it’s not the truth.  It’s the battlefield of the mind in living color.

I am waiting to post this so that none of you worry about me.  I’ll be okay.  I have an awesome husband who I am communicating fully with.  He’s gone out and done the grocery shopping for me.  He’s made the suppers this weekend.  Tomorrow I start the taper back up and I would say by Friday I will be my happy go lucky self again.  I can’t wait.

But isn’t that interesting how “diet” can affect your mind.  Rebecca was explaining macronutrients to me.  I don’t understand it all but I experienced it.

I have also been in touch with my trainer and we agreed that we will not do this again.  He told me to bring some oatmeal to eat after the weigh in tomorrow.  He’s done such a great job helping me.  I so appreciate it.

So don’t worry about me.  By the time I post this, my brain will be thinking happy thoughts again naturally.

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